Wednesday, August 25, 2010

funny feelings

Well, I have been having some guilt feelings about my older brother who is disabled and can not take of his affairs by himself.  My father, when he was alive was his sole guardian and caretaker, when he was becoming very ill and before he died, I promised dad that I would try to take care of my older brother so that dad could relax in the hospital and get better.  My thought was that my dad wanted his oldest son to remain in the family home being taken care of by his living relatives since he has lived there for over 30 years.  Suddenly my dad took a turn for the worse with his illness, Pulmonary Fibrosis, and died 9 days after entering the hospital.  So after taking care of my dad's funeral arraingments and taking care of my mom's legal paperwork regarding my dad's property, I then set out to take care of my older brother's affairs.  The VA benefits office wanted someone new to be named his legal guardian and the Social Security office also wanted someone new named.  Taking my dad's concern in my heart and head, I went and hired a lawyer on behalf of my brother and started the process of becoming his legal guardian.  At the time, my mother was still walking around ok and I thought letting my brother stay to live in the house was alright.  When I went to work, my mother would always be there to watch out in case he needed something. 

Well, now it's a little over one year since my dad's passing and a lot has changed since then.  My mother's health seems to be declining and she is no longer strong enough to be watching my brother all day.  She has osteoperosis and severe arthritis in her back and now starting in her right shoulder which gives her pain.  She also has trouble walking, I don't know what this is from though.  Last Friday, I got a call from my mom when I was at work.  She told me that my brother had fallen and cut his head severely and there was blood pouring out of his cut.  I then called an ambulance to go to the house and look at him or take him in to get his cut looked at.  I left work early but by the time I got home he was already at the hospital.

Now this is where the guilt feelings are coming in.  I am now trying to get him placed into a permanent care facility (home) because it's not really safe for him to be living at home.  I sometimes work long hours and don't get home until late afternoon.  It isn't very healthy for my mom either to have to be watching my brother while she is also going through her own health crisis.  My guilt feelings are that I have failed my father's concern over my brother's care.  I told my dad on his death bed that I would take care of my brother and that knowledge seemed to relax my dad.  He seemed to have taken a sigh of relief when I told him that.  But now I am realizing that it is taking too much out of myself to be taking care of both my brother and my mother at the same time and still working and worrying about my own health concerns.  I have diabetes and all the added stress from taking care of everyone, I think, has made my sugar levels go up.  And to top it all off, these guilt feelings that I have failed my dad's expectations.  I truly believed that I could take care of my brother, but that was before my mother's health started to decline. 

When the time comes that my mother will pass, then I truly will not be able to handle my brother alone.  I am trying work something out before I get in WAY over my head in this.  One of my facebook friends started a blog on the suggestion that it is somehow therapeutic, it relieves pent up feelings and maybe gives some relief to the writer.  So this is why I am writing this.  Maybe this will ease some of my stress over these guilty feelings of having to put my brother into a care center.  Ok, enough venting on my part.  I hope this has done the job.